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XANGLER

Thu, 10 Jun 2004 04:27:58 GMT

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Start spreadin' the news...

Mon, 17 May 2004 05:52:31 GMT

There have been a lot of things i've wanted to say for such a long time now... but I never had anything to base my feelings upon, or anything to prove to me that what I was feeling was actually right. Saturday night, I knew that I was right all along. Sitting on that bus in those separated dark moments, with life in my arms, staring down at the wonder that was so comfortably fit into my embrace... such an indescribable pleasure that i've been treated to. Do I deserve it? The surrounding people would glance constantly at me with a grin... and I wouldn't look back. I didn't need to. I had all I needed right in those moments. .. jeez i dont know. I felt so appreciated and trusted.... even envied. After that whole day... nothing could have been more satisfying than to just hold you... and watch you rest silently. That day was such a good day... fun, adventerous, humurous, relaxing, romantic... and now that its over.. i want it back so much.... to be in the moment again. Because for once in a long time, I let loose, and you literally lead me through one of the best days of my life. And because that its over... I started to think about it... and a few things in my past... which is what i've been wanting to say for the long time.

Ever feel like you need to grow up? Well I know that I should cherish my youth. A man undoubtedly spends more time as an adult than he does as a child. But sometimes I feel too mature for some of my surroundings. Is it just because i'm a teenager.. growing to adapt to the real world? Or is it more? Either way... I feel ahead of some people.. unchallenged if you may. I feel so strongly held back that its convincing me to be out on my own... try to see what i can do for and by myself. But, I know lasting too long isnt possible the way I am now. I shouldn't seem to be bragging, but I never get to talk about myself anymore without people making comments. Why can't I have my fun? I know its real boring to listen to people talk about themselves... but I've been shut down every time doing it before, that... I really can't explain who I am anymore. When i'm questioned about myself... I have a real hard time coming up with an answer to give. And I get into deep thought when I know I really shouldn't be. I want to find myself so badly... but i'm worried that i'll lose what little wildness I have left in me. It will have to happen someday, but I suppose that day will find me... when I'm ready. Until then, i'll be living the way i'm supposed to be living.

Even after all this talk about wanting to "cherish my youth", I feel so old around this one person in particular. Thing is, the person is older than me, but acts so much younger than anyone fit for the age (as many of you will agree to). Do you not see it? Have you not been told? Are you truly that oblivious to the way you act towards other people? ugh... on behalf of the rest i'm not getting because of this person, and everyone else's rest too... I really should say something. But unfortunately, the person is always acting too nieve... crudely self-absorbed, greedy, demanding, misunderstanding, unthoughtfully remiss towards the rest of us to devote to any change in behavior, more or less listen to what i'd have to say. I wonder how the person acts when alone with close friends or family. I wonder if the attitude given in public is just a display... an act that is portrayed as an attempt for attention. I'll never know until maybe... this person decides to grow up, and finally come to notice the attitude they've been giving for all these years. Spoiled.... spoiled beyond belief. I grieve for you... but more strongly for myself... for thinking I could make a difference in your life.

heheh damn It was hard saying "the person" over and over again, But I knew if I said anything revealing, shit would happen that I dont need to deal with ever again. Hell... but anyway... what have I learned so far? I know now to be thankful for what I have. Asking for things is not wrong, but sometimes may be unnecessary. And finally, I know from my present overlooking my past, that overall, I have been quite fortunate in my life. And for that I am sincerely grateful.

Chorus trip.

Mon, 03 May 2004 01:02:56 GMT

Came back from Baltimore not too long ago. It was the best school trip i've ever been on. Every day down there was so much fun. K first was the duck tour. Our guide was crazy. Taking that literally or not, that man was hilarious. Me and Alex let loose and started dancing and stuff. But we werent shouting on account of the performance later that day. We saw all the sights in Baltimore and drove by "Gay St." I was still in my pajamas at that time. We ate and went back to the bus, where I got changed before ppl got there haha. Then was the competition. Everything went great except that damn judge who talked to us for like 10 minutes and made us sing for her. Mens choir perfomance was so fun. Royal chorale did great as usual. Back at the hotel we had that "Joey and Maria's wedding" show, which was also great fun. I even danced lol. Food was great, and the whole wedding was Italian (we know how Italians give weddings). But I dont think anybody had as much fun as Seung did... lol. Poor Seung. We played a shitload of PS2 that night, but for some reason everything that happened was uncontrollably funny to us. Yeah then the alarm went off at 3 in the morning. My roomates say I cursed while walking in my sleep because of it... and I believe them, but I dont remember a thing. Second day was fun but quite wasteful (for me at least). We went to Six Flags down there and the rides were pretty fun. Yusang recorded them with his camera. Me and Seung did that free-fall/bungee thing which was awesome. We pretended to swim in air rofl. Oh yes.. then we all decided that it was a good time to play some games and win some prizes. BAD idea. I was determined to win either a very soft... and very large bear, or a very fuzzy... and very large gorilla. Now, I started this session with around $45 in my wallet. At the end of the session I had $0 in my wallet. And to top it all off I didnt win shit... yet. But the awards ceremony cheered me up good. We wiped out everything except the big chorus section award. Some other town's soprano section won it. Well I quickly forgot how much of a fool I was for wasting all my money on chance games because I won the soloist award muaha.

f r 0stedflaques: i love my snake
f r 0stedflaques: its so pretty
f r 0stedflaques: dont you want one
aka theBEBOP: well you know..
aka theBEBOP: you may be able to bounce a ball off a wall, but i can sing.
aka theBEBOP: so blow me

.. and thats all I have to say about that.

We had a pizza party back at the Sheraton, and of course there was Chinese poker. But it all died when Joan dealed. It just died. I fell asleep real early that night, after dealing with a few prank calls and questions from AMY, ALYSSA, STEPHANIE, AND AMANDA. OK just so you all know. YOUR APOLOGY IS ACCEPTED. STOP SAYING SORRY.. PLEASE! Well third and final day was the most fun in my opinion. Breakfast was tasty then we went out to the inner harbor and hung out for the day. We all bought shirts with crabs on them... because crab shirts own you. If you ever see one from now on, buy it for me :D. My my my... Federal Hill is a wonderful place. Its such a great view of the city, with the clean air and towering position. Its also great if you want to be an ass by rolling down it and soiling your shirt. Trust me... I know. Either way, it was still fun. Then we headed over to this volleyball stadium underneath Federal Hill. When I say volleyball stadium I mean serious Roman Coliseum volleyball action. So Roman in fact, that Yusang and I couldn't resist but take off our shirts and have a wrestling match. Check out his xanga if you want the pictures. That was the most fun. Especially because we had a crowd of like the other 8 in our posse and two men sitting in a white truck on the side of the field. ROFL.. hmm. Then we went to ESPN zone. That was pretty cool too. We ate at Hard Rock Cafe. Our table was served like last, but it was ok because I relieved my stress by dancing to the YMCA with Alex. From there we pretty much got on the bus and headed out. I'm probably forgettin some stuff but who can blame me? It all went by so fast. It was so fun though. Especially because I owned Yusang in the sand. Whether it was staged or not.... I still owned him.

Queens.

Tue, 27 Apr 2004 01:49:32 GMT

Ok the pics i took of Queen Mary 2 came out way too big on the computer... so i wont be putting any up. If you still want a few pics... just IM me and i'll send some over :P. They came out pretty good.

when moving by chance...

Mon, 19 Apr 2004 03:34:15 GMT

Its really funny how things change over a matter of days. I look back on my entries and its like happy/pissed/happy/pissed etc.. well now i'm very very happy. My vacation week was pretty much perfect. Kinda fast in the beginning, sad in the middle, and fking awesome at the end. I love it, and i'm kinda lookin foward to seein everybody at school. But not my teachers... nooooooooooooo haha. I'm lucky I didnt have homework, sorta... ( I shouldnt be counting O'Hara's class should I?)Well in any case, I spent my week pretty good for myself I guess. I had a great day on friday. Great day. Giant chocolate chip cookies and Jamba Juice!!! ...yum. The day after was fun, and Today was good too. Took Kevin and Yusang to six flags to end the vacation. Very fun day. I started spazzing out on Nitro and immitating Lil' John.. Those two wouldnt stop laughing. We took funny pics from the ride and even got a keychain of one. Lol then we really started fooling around and the ride got stuck at the end. Haha, good shit good shit. I wanted this huge monkey.. but I couldnt win the thing. Damn.. that monkey was calling out to me... calling out so loudly that I wasted 10 dollars trying to win it. How foolish of me. It was a great day for six flags. I'm just so relaxed now and satisfied with my spring break. So things are going very well for me right now... very well. Lets see how long it takes for the cycle to continue this time lol. good god i'm so... happy.

...Menace.

Tue, 13 Apr 2004 22:57:26 GMT

Ugh,... so stressed. I hate thinking about it, but since that day, it seems to be the only thing I think about, when i'm alone at least. Why did you have to bring something like that up? If you said it didnt matter much, why do you think about it so much, and why did you want to discuss it? I dont even care. I hate topics like that... and now I want to enjoy every minute of my remaining time... but I cant because its always in my head how much harder it will be for me to say goodbye. This fucking sucks. LOL "why do you bother?"... I dont know. I probably never will either. Felt so important, but now, I just feel.... replacable. But I guess everybody is replacable. I just can't stand thinking it. I should be the one who makes my choices. Thats what I cant stand about things like this. The most important thing that decides what comes out of it all.. isn't up to me in the long run. Son of a bitch. I set myself up. As much as I hate to admit it... i'm really in deep shit this time. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Why did I have to get involved? I know now that even through how great i've felt and how much I enjoyed spending my time... I'm going to hate it that much more once i'm left to myself.

... At least I know that what i've gained, and what i've given, are the finest form of authentic there is to ever be known by humanity.

Its just unfair. Happiness should either be cherished forever or never pursued at all. If you toy around with it, and lose it in the middle... you're fucking screwed.

that damn cough.

Fri, 02 Apr 2004 02:13:42 GMT

I suppose there are a lot of things that i'm quite sure about, but there are some that i'm not so sure about. I can't help but think about what i'll become in a few years. Will I be with the same crowd? What will I be leaning towards as a profession? etc etc... you know those kinda questions. I used to be so excited about the future. Now i'm just scared shitless. Things are all so good lately. I'm afraid of loss. Too afraid. And I know where to go for comfort, but I dont know where to go for advice. I don't even know how to formulate my ideas into a legible sentence or question or anything for that matter. Right now i'm just typing, I dont know what i'm thinking, I mightve never been as confused in my life about anything. Maybe i'm tired. Maybe I have an english test to study for, drivers ed test.. that festival crap... All-state. Damn allstate man. I dont mind unless there will be these fags with guitars, bongos and other shit playin whatever at 1 in the morning. Lets just hope they've got insurance. Grawr... what AM i sure of? I can think of two for certain. There is another one that i'd have to put more thought into... and one more that i'm just totally lost, but I trust everybody else about it. Am I even making sense? Its ironic that i can really concentrate hard on things that arent necessary, but when it comes time to study for one of the hardest tests of the year, I cant even think straight about my own feelings. haha.. if you happen to hear this entry by phone, Don't ask me if all this is happening because of you.... because it isn't.. You're one of the things i'm sure of. In my mind... quite sure of. ......... zZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZzZ sheesh. Good Lord i'm in trouble.

I miss myself. Come back, Dave.

a poem

Tue, 23 Mar 2004 05:26:28 GMT

I guess i've got a poetic side. Rare, but occasional... I write things. I guess I know what inspires me but I can't quite explain it. Its like, after going a while at something without really being satisfied with everything. I know i'm satisfied with more things than not, but I'm still unhappy with some stuff. Here it is, so tell me what you think. I couldn't name it... so uh.. deal. ;)

Unspoken words and silent tears,
through which I have to mourn.
For in this friendship and growing trust,
a Hatred has been born.
I've always strived to be most important,
in almost everything I do.
But I just can't seem to feel that way
from spending time with you.
However, I know its not as nearly
as bad as it could be,
I just love all the attention,
that nobodys giving me.
My apologies are much too long,
to fit in any letter.
But i'm fine with lying and shredding my heart,
to be sure that it's making yours better.
I'm so satisfied to make you happy,
and be able to have something to give.
Even if it IS unhealthy,
i've no way else to live.
I admit to never solving a problem like this,
but I swear i'll find a way.
We will be able to live in harmony,
and forever is how that will stay.

Not the longest i've wrote.. but certainly more Crafty(?) Than most. I'm happy with the rhyming transition. Seems too short. Well creator can't be the critic.

Critique away.

the after assignment

Sat, 20 Mar 2004 05:41:16 GMT

I've said all that I've needed to. Its been good, but now that I have nothing to really worry about, i'm getting back into old habits... which isn't good for me. Ball is in your court now, so act wisely because my geniality is at your disposal. I'm just tired of complications. I hope things in my future are simpler than what i've been stumbling upon over the past months. I need a certain comfort, and it's great when I get it, but when i'm alone, I almost feel inadequate. At least all my problems are solved again. I just want to live and be happy. I want to enjoy myself. Its great that finally, I will truly be able to do so without having to worry about anything. I'm so relieved. Can't wait to see what will happen next.

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 02:06:19 GMT

its so unpredictable. I love it.

Tue, 09 Mar 2004 02:22:32 GMT

I can't do it anymore. Nope, sorry. Impossible. I can't take the pressure and the jealousy. There is no way i'd be able to live it. Please... have mercy on me and give me no more. Nobody has answers. Asking anybody for help proved to be only a stray from the path, and then I hopped right back on the road of depression.

Temporary solutions are not what i'm looking for. If it means separation, then so be it. I just can't stand the pressure anymore. I'd be lying if I said i'm happy with the way things turned out. And I'm really sorry, but there isn't much more I can do for you. I want to know you. I want to make you happy, but if it means tearing me up inside, I can't do it. Unfortunately for me, the only thing left to do is hardest part of situations like this... move on. But I have to. I really do. Maybe sometime in the future I'll have forgotten about all of this shit but right now I just need a break. Stay away from me before I collapse.

There are two things I can do. The first is what i'm trying to do now, just forget for a bit, and try to go foward. The second would be a lot quicker, but a lot less honest and untrustworthy to you and to myself.

I don't even know why I bother anymore. It never changes. People are so damn excited and serious over shit that shouldn't be so deeply considered. Oh I can't wait to see how certain people are going to react once I'm all depressed again. I can't wait to hear the gossip from other people. Because it really makes me laugh how people think by talking to their "friends",.. word will never reach my ears. Go ahead, gossip some more and throw me off the edge. I'm already headed there anyway aren't I?

I'm much better at hiding my emotions than people remember. Maybe not emotions for other people, but definitely emotions for myself.

I love when people laugh in front of me when i'm trying to explain myself. Do they not realize that I rarely talk about myself to anybody, and laughing about things I feel or want to do will totally kill the mood? Well you can all blow me. And I know some people will laugh right after reading that. Well good, at least i'm making somebody happy. In fact, I envy those people. I haven't had a good true laugh in years... and it's destroying me.

~Freedom

Sun, 07 Mar 2004 04:27:04 GMT

Problems solved, for the most part I think. I'm super satisfied... i'll be able to work regularly now.. not have to worry about things. Lookin' foward to tomorrow. I'm a LOT less confused, and a lot more sure of myself. I still can't see whats at the end of the road, but at least I can see now where i'm stepping.

It's sad though, that I dont really know what to do now. Somehow I feel that there is nothing to give effort for... even though I know that isn't true. I'm just feeling more open.

By the way, it wasn't a question of anxious or afraid... I was too afraid of being anxious :P

See you all soon.

Fri, 05 Mar 2004 01:27:34 GMT

I'm coming nearer to my decision. There is only one thing left I can do.

I should've waited til I prepared myself. The first time you saw me, I was mediocre. And even though there is time in the future to show you how capable I am of many different things, no matter how good I present myself... there will always be that first mediocre impression stuck in the back of your mind. Things may change, but that's not up to me. I hate this. I'm the leader, I should be in control. However... physical impairments restrict me. So I have to wait for you to decide don't I?

I dont know whats about to happen to me. Definately something, because i've had feelings like this before.. but not quite the same. Somethin this time around is a little different. Its not a very reassuring feeling though, It's more like I need to brace myself for something hard. Since I can only do so much to affect it, I'm sitting back watching while nothing is happening. The aroma is stronger now. I smell it everywhere I go, every breath I take. I can smell it. It really freaks me out sometimes.

It's very close now. Without a doubt, I'm going to be hit with something that will flood my life with either sadness or joy. The question is... am I acting too scared, or too anxious?

Oh hi.

Wed, 03 Mar 2004 00:18:10 GMT

lmao. life can be hell, but life can be heaven. My emotions are so stressed right now I don't know what to think and i'm really going insane. lol oh man, How I dont understand things. It's alright. I'm getting too paranoid over something, so I really need to fix things up soon. I've been pissed, and now i'm happy. I'm just so confused LOL... thats enough.

Upchuck

Tue, 02 Mar 2004 02:43:02 GMT

Hm~ I guess I had a pretty good day. Why am I updating daily.. this is nonsense! Well I thought from yesterday my day would be really long and straining, but it turned out alright. I would've liked to discuss some things, but I'm thinking there will be another time. I'm just wholly confused I guess. I'm satisfied though, but very very confused. I don't know, things goin the way they are now, i'm really fine with it. I'm just not sure of my limits. I'm being more open again, which is always good for me. I needed a break from stress... and i'm getting it. I really thought after yesterday that my situation was ruined, and i'd never get another chance to talk about things, but I doubt thats true now. There will be more time. The only thing i'm afraid of is having all this taken away from me. I've not felt like this in a long time. I've felt similar, but not quite the same.

:)

Just hanging out immediately makes me feel better, no matter whats wrong. Maybe i'm thinking too much.. well I know i'm thinking too much. Maybe things will stay the same, but probably not. I hope so. So much fun, and from really nothing. Its amazing how some people can just liven you by only being around.

It's all good. I'll live it while it lasts.

Sunday

Mon, 01 Mar 2004 05:59:21 GMT

Today was great... late afternoon was better. I just wish I could say the same about tonight. It happened an hour ago, but i'm still shaking because i've never been so close to answers in my life. I don't blame my parents for restricting me... but if only I had 20 minutes to walk, I wouldn't be so frustrated. I'm so confused now. I wish I solved it when I had the chance... we should have just left.. I knew they wouldn't let us walk.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

I hope there is still time.. and some time soon, because I know this is going to affect me in school and whatever. So much alone time.. yet we couldn't have it when it counted the most. Damnit. I should've done something huh.. yeah, I should have done something. But its no reason to be mad at my parents.. I understand their view..

I'm ashamed of myself, and I just can't talk to my parents about it. I don't feel right.. and inside I'm crying. I want to cry. I haven't cried in years. And when the time comes to actually have a good reason to cry, I can't.

I told my mom that I didn't trust her. Thing is, I meant it.

The day.

Sun, 29 Feb 2004 05:14:05 GMT

Saturday. Clara came over today. She arrived around 11:45 AM or so.. got home at around 11:35 PM or so. We worked on the video portion of our History project. Well, she did most of the working, and i'm feeling like crap because I know that I hardly did anything. An unexpected visit from Justin threw me even farther off course. He stayed for a bit and we talked and stuff, but it made me want to stop working even more. I was so out of it today.. I guess I haven't been catching as much sleep as I'd like. It's not even that I was tired.. I just didn't feel like thinking. But we got through it. Our script is highly comical. It's going to be great, and even better if we get to include music. I just feel guilty of something. She's coming over again tomorrow so we can do the powerpoint stuff, and I just installed it. My brother was lookin all over his room, and it was in the damn cd tray. It was funny because we were watching the Osbournes and Ozzy lost his ring, but it wound up being on his windowsil. So Ryan reminded me of Ozzy Osbourne in that sense. lol

I dont want to think about certain things,.. but at the time, I really can't stop myself. Things, no matter how small they may be, that happen to me make me so uncomfortable. I'm just mad at myself. Problems that I think I'm over easily just come back to haunt me time and time again. And today was fun too, we laughed a lot despite my lazy attitude. Dinner was especially fun. After we finished our script, we watched scarface... then dinner, then finished scarface. It was the first time I ever saw it.. and RIGHT In the fking end, my dad has to come over and boast about how stupid of a movie it was, and how unneccesary it is for them to curse so much. It totally killed the mood and i was just like "I appreciate it.. I watched a whole movie just for the end, and you kill it" ... Certainly didn't add to the highlights of my day. I shouldn't think that I need to be careful. I have nothing to build on, nothing to lose... so why am I so uptight? I Hope tomorrow will be better. Maybe it's lack of sleep doing it to me.. but i doubt it.

Helping others is nice, but not being able to help yourself in the process... is far from beneficial.

multimedia ...

Wed, 18 Feb 2004 03:08:02 GMT

After thinkin things through after a few days... i'm glad things happened when they did. Knowing me, its much better that things be over before they begin with situations as such. And I apologize for acting sore. LOL i had something great to say before but i forgot it. Hm, i guess there is really no excuse for lack of effort... or something. Its hard to explain what i'm feeling now. A friend asked me what my motivation was. After some serious consideration, i still couldn't think of something that actually motivated me to move on through life, even after hardships. And it confuses the hell out of me. why DO i move on? Well i like to think of it like there is somethin in my future that must be worth trying for. I will be rewarded for my,.. persistance? I guess all it takes to move foward for me is the thought of the "better days" that I enjoy living. Sometimes, taking a fall and actually experiencing once again what it feels like for things to go against you is worth having a great day in the future. I feel all hopeful now lol, and for what? I dont know. But if it gets me through the day alright, what's there to disagree upon?

Hm, sometimes I can be pretty overly-dramatic I guess. Heh whats ironic, is that I do it in attempt to gain some form of humbleness in the choices I make in life. I think my main problem is wondering what other people think of me. Other than that, I really dont mind much from people. I've recently had this craving for attention. Sadly, i'm restricted to nearly anything to prove myself with. And i like to get away from feelings like that. I like being humble. The only time i'm actually proud of being obnoxious is when i make people laugh. I'm always pretty loud when i'm acting funny yeah? I just feel like people don't know me enough to understand what i'm really about.. so I try to find ways which would sort of introduce me. Sometimes nothing will work, and shit happens so i deal with it one way or another. But... what the hell am i talking about? i've lost myself again. Oh dear :P ok new topic~~~

LOl that reminds me of a funny thing i've seen on TV but I'm too lazy to get into it. It wouldn't make much sense typed anyway. One day i'll find a way to solve problems for people. If there is anything i've noticed about myself over the past few years, is that i'm really concerned and emotional about making other people happy and i guess satisfied. I need something to take CARE of or somethin of that sort. Maybe thats why i'm so uncontrolled with my emotions when it comes to girls and such. I have this need to make people happy. *shrug* i'll figure it out one day. Lookin back on last year and the year before.. i sorta laugh at myself. I've really changed haven't I? I think much more mature in my own mindset.. and possibly in person too. I've become a lot less shy, which is always good. lol bleh why am I admitting so many things? I feel a lot more free these days. There is ALWAYS somethin that can kill a man's joy.. but believe me.. I really am happy.

pat the bunny

Sat, 14 Feb 2004 00:48:38 GMT

Honestly.. i've figured out why I can't stand it when people try to give me advice. Its because those are the people who say they know the whole story based on one or two things they may have heard previous to the fiasco. They assume things and spread rumors based on those one or two things they hear.. and it fucks up everything very badly for me. So listen to me when i tell you now.. unless you've never talked to me about the subject before.. i dont want your good for nothing advice. Its only making you look like an ass to me. Why do you all have to jump to conclusions? I try not to say it, but you are all ignorant. Maybe if people sat down and thought about a subject for some time, they would realize things from every point of view instead of just basing their opinions on those one or two things they heard from their pal. Bastards... you don't know how many ways i've been screwed over. You all see me one way for an hour or so.. and all of a sudden i'm this total moody and LOVESTRICKEN lunatic to every single one of you. You dont know shit about me, about my emotions... so i'd appreciate it if you kept your mouths shut. None of you really know the half of it... so you have no privaledge or right to accuse me of feeling something I don't.

I really didn't want to turn this crush into this big whole love thing. I knew how she felt about guys.. so what makes you asses think that I would've asked her out? People really enjoy ruining the fun in my life. I'm not strung up on the idea that i'm unable to date this girl, i'm just pissed at how much you guys KNOW about me and what i feel to KNOW exactly what it is i'm bothered by. Please, somebody give me a break here. I can't recall even one time i've threatened anybody's happiness by assuming one thing to be true. Everybody, with the exception of a select few, always think i'm completely oblivious to whats going on around me. You fuckers, that isnt the case. I guess the idea of my "scrawny and skinny" appearance that you all keep drilling into my skull has something to do with the psychology in the matter. Am i too weak to understand anything that i come in contact with?

Lately, i've just gotten tired with people's foolish reactions to the situation at hand. Get over it you attention-craving lunatics... what has happened recently isn't a big deal.. and i've been through worse. So for all of you out there who still think that i'm deeply in love with this girl should be relentlessly tortured and sent out to die from starvation. I'm no longer listening to the crap that any of you decide to throw at me. I just don't need to deal with it.

now i'm just getting tired of making up names to call the ignorant citizens of a small town.. and i believe i've said what i needed to. So there you have it. I hate you all. How do I seem now?

:)

Wed, 11 Feb 2004 03:15:09 GMT

It's amazing how unusually happy i've been for the past like week and a half. I really don't know why either. Everythin has been so damn good to me for a while I almost feel like i'm dreaming. It must be real though.. I mean I really havent felt like this since I was real young. Before attraction got a hold of me. Wow. AND I'm getting chinese food for lunch tomorrow! I wonder if General Tso ever won an award for his ever-so-delicious chicken :P. Hm. I dont know what it is. Being around a few people always makes me act different. And since i see a lot of these people... i guess i'm just happier. Whew. SO different than what i'm used to. Finally made closer friends with a person i thought despised me.. and maybe they did, but now i dont think so. I'm able to talk to people more openly all of a sudden. And not even my friends.. i'm talking about people i would never usually talk to. Feels great.. really does.

However... (didn't you expect it?!)I witnessed two things today, and one thing yesterday.. that really got me thinking deep. 'twas cool though.. i got to think about my present firstly, my future secondly, and my past lastly. The sequence of events was perfect though. First i planned out where i was in life, how i'm feeling on certain issues and such.. then i thought about where all these decisions i would or wouldn't make would bring me. Then thinking about the near past allowed me to realize why i'm feeling the way i am.. and what happened before, what might happen soon.. i'm just confusing you all i bet. Sorry.. i'm just so fkin HAPPY I CANT THINK STRAIGHT!.. well yeah. I felt bad for somebody today. I wish i could help them like i used to be able to. I just dont know enough anymore... i've run out of advice.. its sad, and i'm sorry. ;( I wish i could help it.. but last time i made it worse for myself.. so i really just dont want to get involved.

I'm so scared of myself. Well not of myself.. i guess of presenting myself in a way i wouldnt normally want to. Maybe thats why i'm so shy to some people. God i AM terrible at being modest arent i?.. well it can't be helped. Things happen as they happen. I'm not going to change anything. If the way i've been acting has made me this happy, i'm not doin shit to change it. alright so far this entry has really had no meaning... so i leave you with a challenging message.

Obtain those farpuntos.

I'm cool :D

Fri, 06 Feb 2004 04:13:32 GMT

Esther's entry was about poems today.. so I got into the mood. But since i've oddly been in a good mood lately, I decided not to write something so depressing and blue like usual, but instead something cheery and funny. Actually I didn't write anything yet. I'm gonna make it up right now :B ! HM!

My brothers

You said you killed monsters in my closet,
Which was a big deal... way back then.
You killed them all until i stopped believing you,
Just about when I was ten.

We played football in the house,
And you taught me all the throws.
Ryan, man i'll never forget,
'Cause that was the day you broke my nose.

I kicked the playstation while you were playing,
So you got pissed, and your anger was fed.
Jared, i dont think anything would've stopped that controller,
You hastily threw at my head.

You helped me with report cards, grades, and others
You helped me hide those things from our mother,
We'd hide them for days, weeks, or more,
And you'd take the beating when they'd be discovered.

I felt so warm and cozy every night,
When you both tucked me under the covers.
And I still get that feeling, when I begin to think.
Of how much I love you guys..

for being GODLY big brothers.

:D wo0t. not so bad for an on the spot poem yea? well I thought I made it humorous. lol tell me wat u think about it.

NEW LAYOUT

Tue, 03 Feb 2004 04:15:19 GMT

My new layout towers over you all! Bow down muahahhaa. View in fullscreen (F11)... spike spiegel likes to be fully seen. Well it depends on your browser but i have to view in fullscreen to see him good. Anyways.. i like my layout a lot a lot a lot. Hope the readers ( the very few of you ) Enjoy it too! Whoo! if licking sand tasted good, i would lick my layout.

:D Goodnight folks

New entry.

Thu, 29 Jan 2004 22:48:52 GMT

Concert is soon.. have no time to really write much. Much more nervous than i should be. Whenever i sing in front of people my neck gets all tense. What a pain in my ass. I hope i can be able to think of other things while singin my solo tonight. Playin trumpet solos isnt so bad because i've done it so much in marching band. But singin, gah everybody stares. LOL i'm gonna look them in the eye and tell them. I'M GOING TO TELL THEM! (hopefully)

Was kinda in a pissy mood today. I was asked so many useless questions, things i shouldnt have to answer anyway. It's none of your business! Jealous too. Real jealous. For a few reasons. I wish things were like they used to be. I was so much happier a few years back. Teenage drama is so ridiculous.. but i can't help myself. I really cant. I didn't study for vocab. Shit.

gotta run,.. see you guys at the concert. Hope we do good!

--Edit--

So i'm told that I did good. Suprisingly enough, I wasn't as nervous as I thought i'd be, because my mood was better from talking with my grandfather and a few friends. Damn Jay, you crack me up. Never again will I talk about the janitors. I'm feelin so much better. Few people can always cheer me up, no matter how much I hate to admit it, I can't be pissed around them even if I tried. I still have to study, but after all, its just vocab. Lately i've gotten the time to think about my future a bit. Frankly it didnt take too long, because I really dont have much of an idea of what I can become. I haven't devoted myself to finding any information or anything, so i'm clueless about my interests really. Besides what i'll actualy be when i grow up... i've been thinking about what i'll become, you know? What will my personality be like after i meet new people in college and all that stuff? I wonder if i'll be the same without all of my current friends. Surely i'll still be in touch with a lot of you, but sadly, I wont with most of you. Gets me down thinkin about it. But it occurs to me that my personality is a reflection of you guys. Nobody knows what i'm like when i'm alone. I'm sure you'd think that i'm the most boring dude on earth. I dont know how any of you are when you're by yourself, but without anybody to talk to, I sure am groggy. lol its sad but when i dont have you guys for long enough, i start to get angry and i yell at my parents whenever they ask me simple questions. Then they leave me alone and i feel even worse. I used to want to grow up so badly... now I guess i'm afraid of it. Anybody else feel the same way? Anybody reading this? =.=; heheh i wont let it bug me for long.

Anyways thats what i've been thinkin before tonight's concert.. and since i was runnin late on time i had to put it up now instead of bfore.

--------- leave your name on your comment!!

Viva la Kiernan. (?)

Sat, 20 Dec 2003 07:15:48 GMT

Today (well yesterday)... was a great day. I know you guys are going to be gone. And today was the last i'll see you guys for a long time. But i'm glad we were able to have so much fun again, just this one last time. Earlier my day was pretty shitty... but being with you guys and everybody else made me feel so much like my true self, that I was finally able to get over my problems. There's no way possible to describe how I feel right now. I wanted to cry so badly but for some reason I couldnt. And I think I know why. Bros, this isn't the end of it. Not at all. Somehow i think i know inside of me that even though you'll be miles away, our friendship will never cease to be. If i sensed it that today was our last meeting... i would have cried. This isn't the end. I know it. But I shouldn't be talking about what this is not.

It's all plan of my major scheme. I AM THE LAST WHITE SAMURAI. Sorry. I used that joke all day and now i'm just used to it. I don't know what its going to be like without you guys, it sure as hell won't be the same. Well today was so great. I didn't get to do some things i wanted to do, but they were unnecessary anyway. I still cant spell that word. Oh well. I'll do them next time I guess. :D. But next time, we aren't watching exorcist.. that miserable excuse for a thriller.

I wish I had something really touchy and emotional to say about all this stuff, but really, I dont lol. I guess i still cant really believe that you guys are actually leaving. I'm not going to realize until you're gone. But i know its not over. Can't be. There are so many things that happened in the past few years that we've done, that I can't list them all. There are too many to remember at 2:00 AM. So i'm just going to list the most memorable things that i've done with the both of you.

- Warcraft knockout basketball. All i can say is Nuclear Launch Detected.
- Singing songs and making fun or Mr. Miller in the locker room.
- "OH I... I JUST DIED IN YOUR ARMS TONIGHT!"
- Covering all of Ridgefield and back again in one night. Even parts of Cliffside!
- Gym Football: Super Mario edition.
- Hustling the koreans in Guys and Dolls. HELL YEAH!
- Most importantly, all the fun times we had just naturally hanging around or playing games. We'd always joke and ALWAYS be able to laugh. Unbreakable bond right there. UN FKIN BREAKABLE YOU HEAR ME?!?!?!??! haha. ok now.

Thats all i've really got to say i suppose. You guys have practicially been brothers to me. So much fun its sad to say that you're actually leaving. Its not fair, but monday you wont be in school. I hope you have a great time meeting new people and stuff, i know you will. Send me some real florida orange juice. We all know i love my OJ. :D. Thats all really. I hope today was as much fun for you as it was for me. Love you guys... and until next time, yeah?

P.S.- In the upper right hand corner of a one dollar bill, you will find a microscopic spider. Don't you f'kin argue with me now. It's a spider, and that's that. Cya guys.

hrm.

Sun, 14 Dec 2003 23:12:48 GMT

Well you know, it snowed again. Holidays are coming up. All this stuff makes me think of things I shouldn't be thinking of, in this state of mind. I'm still recouperating... and i'm not ready for a holiday like christmas. I wish I had money. I want to give so many other people presents, yet I have barely enough money to spend on my family. Damn, for years i've acted like some dramatic adult. I'm still a kid, and I realize it now. I'd like to apologize to everyone whom i've might have upset by doing things that were completely uncalled for. I know that I haven't been the person that i'd ideally like to be... but I hope I can change it. Thats probably the main reason I want to get so many people presents for the holiday. I've been such an ass over the years, I owe it to you guys. Even through my ridiculous shouts for attention, you guys permitted me... in one way or another. Really... thanks. I dont think I deserve all your sympathy.

In a way, I think that trying to fix myself for the better would be a good thing, but the more I think about it, the harder it is to comprehend. I used to have a goal... strictly yes and no's on what I should do in life. But now, after all the things that happened last year, and some this year, I dont have anything that I can look forward to. Every time I start to think about what I can grow on... to gain something to look forward to, I always remember what has happened in the past, and I don't need to go through it all again.. or want to. I guess I should stop thinking about things like that... but i've become so accustomed to it, that I need something to inspire me. Without it, i'm half dead.

I once said to you... you changed the way I live my life. I didn't lie. Even though things are quite different now, nothing has changed... not really. I'm still healing from it, and it should pass soon. I know i've shown unacceptable behavior to you, and I hope it's evident that i'm trying to improve. It hurts... but it's much more fun, and just right... to love, than to hate. So I realize that things have changed, and they will not change back. I'm adapting.

Thank you everybody for all your sympathy. I used to say it didn't mean anything to me, but that was plain greedy. I treasure every word each one of you say to me. Just give me time. I'll get better.